Matthew Perry: Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing
Shattering the Silence of Depression
One. In The Shadow
I’m reading the memoir of Matthew Perry, the actor who played Chandler in Friends. The untold reality that unfolded in Chandler’s life during the days of the series’ broadcast is staggering. Especially when the doors of fortune open up to you, transforming you into one of the world’s most famous actors, earning a million dollars a week, hopping on your private jet, and dating your girlfriend, Julia Roberts.
This means that while people were strolling the streets to immerse themselves in the joyful world of the six friends’ jokes, Chandler was immersed in a deep well of depression, alcohol, and drugs, to the extent that he had ventured to the brink of death multiple times. The brink? He has even officially “died” several times.
The surprising part is that Lisa Kudrow, the actress who played Phoebe, wrote the short introduction of the book; she, too, put the entire essence in just one sentence: “I didn’t have the slightest idea what days Chandler was enduring because he tried to hide his suffering.”
As he’ll tell you in this book, he was keeping it a secret.
I did come to understand that this disease relentlessly fed itself and was determined to keep going. — Phoebe
Two. Sorrow of Istanbul
Orhan Pamuk has written that the keyword to understanding Istanbul is “sorrow.” Imagine Istanbul once again. With bustling ports, lively cafes, glasses of raki, the sound of music, well-dressed and laughing youth. And then, think again about Pamuk’s words: “Sorrow.”
It’s as if behind the flamboyant chaos of the city, a deep sorrow lies dormant, and all this radiant branching is an attempt to deny it.
However, sorrow is like a pin stuck in Istanbul’s chest, and it won’t let go.
“Drinkers think they are trying to escape, but really they are trying to overcome a mental disorder they didn’t know they had.” ― Matthew Perry
Three. The Immense Suffering
Once, I made a sarcastic remark to a friend who was dealing with depression, implying that they weren’t trying hard enough to change their circumstances. He said something that stayed with me forever. “It’s like telling someone whose hand has been damaged severely to try and bring back a new hand.” He was right. I was just as incapable of truly understanding his immense suffering.
I’ve also experienced depression. During that time, the people around me didn’t have much understanding or empathy for my emotional state, and to be honest, even myself, I wasn’t even fully aware of it. I grant them the right to not fully comprehend since witnessing and feeling such states requires shared experience and a common language. After my military service in Iran, the most challenging and devastating phase of my life was depression. It was a period of emotional struggle.
Four. Tell the Story
I’m not an expert in treating depression, but I do know this much: we must shatter the taboo of discussing each other’s pain. Social networks intentionally create an endless competition, where people strive to project a facade of happiness, success, and flawlessness; while in reality, we are vulnerable, ordinary, fragile, and full of experiences of failure.
The black hole that forms due to the disparity between our true identity and the constructed one swallows all the joy and enthusiasm of life, leaving us trapped in the centre of an endless cycle of suffering.
Breaking this cycle, it must start from somewhere.
Perhaps the first step is this: accepting the big terrible thing and telling the story.
Read Matthew Perry’s book. Think about how all these pieces come together. We, humans, are such intricate and peculiar beings. Books like this help us build bridges to each other’s worlds.
